My life story..kind of

      I have had issues with my body forever. I was always thin though. It got bad around 8th grade. When I had quit sports and puberty threw its self at me out of nowhere. I gained a couple pounds. I got boobs and hips. I was completely petrafied by the new weight. I couldnt look at myself. I couldnt believe this had happend to me.

     I started working out, trying to diet. I never really had that fase where normal dieting turned into anorexia. Basically after my first diet or two, I skipped to starving. Sometimes I would go on an all fruit/vegetable diet. Love those. Still do them now.

    Anyway, I started starving right away. I would skip breakfast, Not eat lunch at school. A couple girls that I wasnt good friends with started to think I was anorexic. They told some people. I denied it of course playing it off like they were seeking attention. Like it was insane for someone to think that about me.

    I started tighting my stomach all day long. tightening so hard it would be constantly hurting. I found I could suck it in more if I hadnt eaten yet that day. Thats why of course, I never at anything until after school.. Soon though I started binging. After school or late at night. I started hating myself for it. I would starve binge, starve binge. Luckily, I wasnt binging enough when added to how much I was starving for me to gain any weight.

   But I was miserible all the time. I was either hungry or so stuffed full I hated myself. I loved being hungry. I still do. Im in love with the fealing. I cant get enough.

  Eventually though I did start to gain some more weight. Hung out with my friends more- had to starve less. But the binges didnt stop as much as the starving did. So i gained.

   Freshman year I  lost fifteen pounds. I was in love with how i felt. I had guys hanging around all the time. They loved me. I loved them. My friends were jelous, people I didnt like scoffed at me. It was amazing. Just like everyone hopes it will be. It was like that.

    I wasnt eating much at this time. I was eating no breakfast, No lunch, Tons of coffee and cigarettes (this is about the time i started smoking.) I would have a snack after school maybe fruit I kept eating brocoli for some reason I felt it was THE key to weight loss. haha.. I wasnt binging. I was too tired from the day and having no energy from not eating. So i would go to sleep early. Everything was perfect. I swear. I wish I could relive this time of my life forever and ever.

    Then things went downhill. I dont know why but i started eating again. It was bad.  I gained at least half the weight back. I started skipping school again. ( I had a fase in 8th grade where i barely went to school.. almost didnt graduate.) I wouldnt go. I was too disgusted with myself. I wouldnt let anyone look at me. Guys started talking to me less. The guy I liked stopped liking me. I hated myself. I still dont know how i let this happen.

      My highschool expelled me. I was devestated. I hit my all time low for depression. I had been sucicidal before, But Im surprised my liver is still ok from all the tylenol I overdosed on during this time period. I cried everyday. I had panic attacks. I didnt want to live anymore. I was fat. I had lost all my friends. I had no one, nothing. What was I supost to do?

   I used to take sleeping pills everyday. I would sleep then wake up for a few hours and take some sleeping pills and sleep again. My eating during this time is very hazy to me. I cant really remember.. Sometimes I was starving, sometimes I was binging. At one point I started purging. throwing up. I remember everyday I would eat a concrete mixer from culvers and throw it up. I loved throwing up icecream.. it was so easy. It didnt hurt and was cool coming up. This only lasted a couple weeks. I would throw up 3 to 4 times a day. I stopped because I couldnt shake the fealing it wasnt working. Like I was in no way getting all the food up. I had a couple relapes with bulimia after I stopped but I have not done it in a very long time now.  I didnt gain or lose any weight. I was stuck again.

        My parents sprung a surprise move to Texas on me and my siblings. We were leaving in two days. The night before we left I tried to kill myself. I took I believe it was 22 sleeping pills. I didnt realize that over the counter sleeping pills couldnt kill you. I was desprate. I hadnt researched. So needless to say I didnt die.

     But I was the worst night of my life. I was half awake all night long with vivid dreams and hallucinations. My foot and leg were moving involentarely. I couldnt make it stop. I was crying and inside I was screaming all night long.

   The next morning I threw away the last few sleeping pills before I got in the car for the drive to texas. I promised I would never try to kill myself again. No one knows about that night. Ive never spoken of it.f I dont even like to think about it.

    After I got to texas I lost some more weight. My sleeping schedule was off so In the morning to afternoon I would eat only a couple servings of fruit or vegetables. Then I would sleep till 8pm or 9pm or 11pm or whenever. Id wake up and binge. Then I would stay up the rest of the night and not eat. I ended up losing 7 to 9 pounds this way.

   I ended up gaining it back.

I feel like life just pushed me down and said you cant have any control. And when I stand back up and say yes I can. and stop eating, life slaps me back down and says No, actually, you cant. You cant even control your hunger. You cant even control what you eat.